Is That Appropriate?

BARE ARMS ARE NOT OFFENSIVE. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING.

My friend @necessarythickness posted recently about how she received a comment from a peer about her sleeveless choice at work being “inappropriate”. This sent me down a thought rabbit hole.

I've been thinking about this for the last 24 hours. What makes something work appropriate/not appropriate? Is ‘appropriate’ even real, or just a construct?

I've reached the conclusion that we've collectively decided that anything traditionally 'sexy' is inappropriate unless in a setting where sex might happen (date, club, bar, whatever - i don’t know what you get up to). So we’re talking a tight dress, cleavage, bare shoulders, thighs, god forbid a bra strap.

We think these things are inappropriate because we assume that men are completely incapable of doing anything besides drool if they see women's body parts. 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 because some men are fucking gross. 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 because men aren't given any credit. It's the same reason we have dress codes in schools mainly for girls. "Boys can't concentrate if they can see girls bra straps.". That idea becomes internalized misogyny within women, who in turn, believe that if another woman is wearing something 'inappropriate', it's because she's trying to get attention from/seduce/take advantage of the men at the workplace. Always ulterior and sinister motives.

The idea that something is inappropriate is a complete fallacy. I've been getting REAL existential with this:

I would argue that the only requirements of something being 'appropriate' are:

A - it fit’s the function for the task at hand (i.e. a bikini in an office where there is no body of water, or gym clothes at a wedding when there is no physical activity required, or an ER nurse wearing shorts where bare legs is a safety issue - I would not consider an appropriate choice), and

B - that the person wearing it feels comfortable doing so. How I feel about what YOU wear, does not impact its level of appropriateness - and if I feel affected by what you're wearing, I need to ask myself why - not require you put on a shawl.

If you find yourself upset about what someone else is wearing (save for exposed genitalia in public, school, or in the workplace), the answer is not to tell that person to change their clothes - instead you need to ask yourself “why does something that has nothing to do with me bother me so much?”

Something that came up a few times when I first posted this on instagram was the point that men aren’t wearing sleeveless shirts to work, either. That’s true, in my experience. To be fair, I’ve also never seen a men’s shirt that is sleeveless outside of undershirts or casual tank tops, whereas I’ve seen loads of women’s professional clothing that lacks sleeves. During this conversation, one thing became abundantly clear:

When people were talking about men wearing something ‘inappropriate’, it usually came down to looking unprofessional, or casual for the occasion, or sloppy. Think: cargo shorts and tank tops to the office, or a T-Shirt to a wedding. However, when they talked about women wearing something inappropriate, it seemed to more often than not come down to morality and virtue, or a sign of their character (or lack thereof). The items deemed inappropriate for women weren’t about the things being too casual, or sloppy. It was about too much skin showing (yikes - an upper arm), or it being too sexual, or attention-pulling. Not modest enough. So, what this leads me to believe is that thanks to purity culture that puts the plus on women to mute their sexuality in order to be taken seriously, to keep men focused on work, or to be safe - in order for a women to be professional, she needs to be modest (which is also completely objective) , and covered. Whereas men simple need to be clean, and dressed.

Sure, that’s an oversimplification, and I’ve painted with a broad brush. It’s not not true, though. Think about all the things you consider inappropriate when you are talking about men - then think about the things that you think are inappropriate when you talk about women. With men, it’s almost always ‘being put together’, and with women it’s almost always about ‘being too sexual’. Which brings us back to internalized misogyny and purity culture: It’s up to women to keep men focused because we give them zero credit in being able to control themselves if they see a leg, and we teach women that any other women who shows a body part of wears a tight dress is out to get attention from men and is our enemy.

Like I said, I've been thinking about this A LOT. “Moral” appropriateness of clothes is not reality.